Shanghai’s #1 Bad Boy
Listen up doofus. You don’t get to be the number one bad boy of a city like Shanghai without learning a few things. Recently I’ve been getting a bunch of mail from pointdexters, dweebs, and dingleberries who want to know what it takes to be bad. Much like the nun-chucks I keep in my backpack, the wisdom I’m about to impart flies faster than a leopard’s yowl and may leave bruises, so pay close attention chowder-head.
Dear #1 Bad Boy,
My main squeeze told me that I dress like a dweeb. How can I jazz up my wardrobe?
-Flustered in Fuxing
Well Flustered, the problem with the way most guys dress is that they’re trying to be exactly like the fashion mags. Want to stand out? Try de-sleeving your nicest, most GQ polo shirt the next time you and your babe go out on the town. That way YOU set the tone, and at the end of the meal when you challenge her to an arm wrestling match to decide who picks up the tab her peepers will have an all access pass to your gun-show. Giver her a flex for me while you’re at it ; )
Hello Mr. Bad Boy,
My kid is being a real brat. Just yesterday when I told him to eat his vegetables, he suggested I go suck a duck! What would you do to get this wisenheimer in line?
-Desperate Dapuqiao Dad
Hey dadio, can I answer your question with a question? Where does the mom fit in the picture here? What does she look like, and how would you rate her on a scale of one to sizzlin’? Send me her picture, or even better, her wechat info, and I’ll be able to get back to you with a better, badder response.
Yo Bad Boy,
I got a bit hot under the collar at work and called my boss a bozo right to his face! My performance review is coming up tomorrow, and I’m worried my slip of the tongue is going to affect my annual bonus. How can I get back in to his good graces?
-Loose-lipped in Lujiazui
Loose lips make sink ships, but they can also lead to curvy hips. That’s just something my dad used to say when we trained together in his dojo, but I think it really applies here. There’s no way out of this goof except doubling down. Either you have to lure him in to a dance-off or you’re done for. Approach him from the front and snap your fingers rhythmically. When he starts to snap back at you, you’ll know for sure that it’s on. That’s when it’s time to show him your moves.
I could answer one more of these emails. Some of you jabronis really need help from yours truly but... jeepers creepers, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got bad boy stuff to do.
If you’re tired of playing second fiddle at your own parade and you’d like to get better at being bad, email Shanghai’s #1 Bad-boy at email@example.com